


could break my heart or save me

by Bara_no_Uta



Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [17]
Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Gen, Healing, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Ending E (NieR: Automata), part of a series but can be read alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:08:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27624500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bara_no_Uta/pseuds/Bara_no_Uta
Summary: After a while of thinking, Devola looked back up, a look of determination on her face. “I want to stop drinking.”Popola offered a reassuring smile. “Then I’ll support you in that goal.”She ran a hand through her hair, wondering if she would really be able to do it. Part of her felt as though she could do anything, so long as she had Popola’s support. Another part of her doubted whether she was really strong enough to face her emotions instead of trying to avoid them with the help of alcohol.
Relationships: Devola & Popola (NieR: Automata)
Series: Finding Meaning in [E]ternity [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1892593
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	could break my heart or save me

**Author's Note:**

> So far, the series has been quite A2-centric, which I'm sure doesn't surprise anyone who knows me, since she's my favorite of the characters who have been brought back so far. But part of why I opted for a series format instead of one story was because I always knew I wanted to spotlight a variety of different characters in the AU. I'll likely have a few more chapters in a row here focusing on Devola & Popola, as we shift toward the next arc.
> 
> For those who are reading this story as a standalone, I think the necessary background is pretty much in the story. If you're wanting to read the story where they were brought back, it was one of the early stories in the series. But for this story, just knowing they were brought back is enough.

Devola opened her eyes, slowly waking up and returning to awareness. Her head was on Popola’s shoulder, and they were leaning against the wall at the Resistance camp. It was late morning – later than she normally woke up. If they were still here, that must mean she had fallen asleep like this last night and Popola had slept outside so as not to wake her in an attempt to relocate to their room.

When Devola sat up, Popola offered her a smile. “Good morning.”

Devola sighed. “Morning. …I… got drunk again, didn’t I.” While the effects of alcohol on androids wasn’t quite the same as that of humans, they shared some similarities. One of which was a tendency for it to black out parts of the person’s memory when drunk to excess.

Popola’s eyes became troubled, even if she tried not to let her smile falter. That was all the answer Devola needed.

“You don’t have to keep taking care of me when I’m drunk,” she said, scooting away from Popola and drawing her knees to her chest. Part of her felt uncomfortable talking about this in front of the others, but they always saw her drinking anyway, and to this day, they still tended to mostly ignore her and Popola unless they needed something. “I don’t even have any excuse anymore.”

The guilt programming was gone, but that didn’t mean there weren’t still lingering effects on their psyches. On top of that, the fact that they had spent the last 8,000 years being bullied and ostracized was itself a source of pain. They weren’t constantly generating guilt in their emotional systems anymore, and the amount of dangerous tasks they could be sent on had significantly decreased now that the war had ended, but… Popola still understood what drove Devola to drink. Not only did they still carry painful memories, but now it was uncommon for anyone to talk to them.

A2, 9S, and 2B did when they were in the camp. 6O and 21O seemed to take their lead, completely unaware of the circumstances. But aside from that… Sometimes Anemone tried, but usually her social awkwardness won out and she didn’t seem to know what to say. As a result, it wasn’t uncommon for them to go a week at a time not having a single meaningful conversation with anyone but each other.

They loved each other deeply, and they were used to not having anybody else. It was all they had ever known. And yet, being aware that they were unwanted by most of the camp… was lonely and painful.

Popola reached over to put a supportive hand on Devola’s arm. “I understand why you do it. And I will always take care of you. That’s what we do, isn’t it? We take care of each other,” she soothed, rubbing Devola’s arm.

“It’s not fair,” she said, shaking her head. “You’re always staying strong for me, but I just get drunk and leave you with even more to deal with.”

Popola thought for a moment before responding. She lowered her voice, about to reference the secret held between them that they had remembered as a result of 9S’s reprogramming. “Do you remember… There was almost a whole week, back when we were overseers, that I couldn’t get out of bed? I got so overwhelmed, I just couldn’t even face the Replicants, knowing everything we knew. And you… smiled and covered for me. Even though it meant taking on twice as much… for that whole week. And you never complained once, even though every day you were facing them and every night I couldn’t even be there for you. After that… after I recovered… I promised myself I would never do that to you again.” She hadn’t remembered making the vow to herself after her memories were rewritten to hide the truth about humanity, and yet she had kept the vow all the same.

She smiled sadly as the memory came back. “We looked out for each other, no matter what. Of course I wouldn’t complain when you needed me.”

“And of course I’m going to take care of you when you need me,” Popola returned.

Devola hung her head. One week of supporting Popola was very different from the many years Popola had been putting up with her drinking.

Truth be told though, there was something strangely comforting for her about supporting Devola. Maybe that was wrong of her – she certainly felt ashamed for it. But so long as she could focus on being strong for Devola, she had an excuse to avoid thinking about her own feelings. She didn’t _want_ Devola to struggle, so it wasn’t as though she would ever intentionally hold her back, but she worried her support wasn’t as selfless as Devola thought.

After a while of thinking, Devola looked back up, a look of determination on her face. “I want to stop drinking.”

Popola offered a reassuring smile. “Then I’ll support you in that goal.”

She ran a hand through her hair, wondering if she would really be able to do it. Part of her felt as though she could do anything, so long as she had Popola’s support. Another part of her doubted whether she was really strong enough to face her emotions instead of trying to avoid them with the help of alcohol.

Devola looked at the stash of alcohol she kept and sighed. If she was going to stop drinking… she had no excuse to keep that around anymore, right? And yet, the idea of throwing it away… Maybe she could drink what she had first so it wouldn’t be a waste? No, then she wouldn’t have any if she truly needed it.

That thought surprised even Devola herself, but as she reflected on it, she knew it to be true. Part of her wasn’t sure what to do if she felt overwhelmed and couldn’t drink, especially now that it had been habit for so many years. Not having that to fall back on… scared her.

“Should we get rid of it?” Popola asked, following Devola’s line of sight but not entirely sure of the thoughts troubling her.

“No,” she said too quickly. After a few seconds, she shook her head. “What if… I can’t do it? What if I can’t handle things without it? I’ve never been as strong as you, Sis.”

“You’re every bit as strong as I am,” Popola countered, shifting so that she was sitting opposite Devola, facing her and holding both her hands. “And I know you can handle it. Even if it feels like too much, I’ll be beside you the whole time.”

She trusted Popola, but it was herself she didn’t trust. She didn’t know what would happen if she stopped drinking. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. Maybe this was too much. Maybe she would only end up causing even more problems for Popola than she already had been.

“I have an idea,” Popola said, although the caution in her tone gave away that she knew it was something that Devola wasn’t going to want to hear.

Still, even if she already knew she wasn’t going to like it, that didn’t mean Popola wouldn’t be right about it being a good idea. Since she trusted her enough to hear her out, she set aside her trepidation and asked, “What?”

As soon as Popola glanced to Anemone, Devola had a feeling she knew exactly what her sister was thinking.

“No. Absolutely not.” It was a kneejerk reaction. Confiding in Anemone about this was too humiliating. She liked to tell herself that others in the camp thought she was just a partier and that was why she drank so often… if anybody except Popola actually even cared at all. Telling Anemone that she would have to make an active effort to stop, and not only that, but that she wasn’t even sure she would be able to? No. No way.

Of course, that was the exact reaction that Popola had expected. Devola had always been the quicker of the two to react, and tended to follow her heart more. It was one of the ways in which they balanced each other out so well, as sometimes it gave Devola the courage to do things that she herself wasn’t able to. Other times, like now, Popola was able to take a mental step back more to more easily look at things rationally, and that was what helped the situation. “If we entrust Anemone with them, they’ll be there if we really don’t know what else to do, but it’ll be easier to keep it as the last resort, right?”

“Yeah, easier because asking her would be humiliating,” she groused.

“And if embarrassment is worse than what you’re experiencing, that means you can find a way through it. Right?” She offered a hopeful smile. On some level, she recognized that she didn’t completely understand Devola’s relationship with alcohol, and perhaps shouldn’t presume to know things like that. Even so, her faith in Devola’s ability to get through it – and certainty that she would be there to support her, no matter what – led her to be unable to imagine a situation in which Devola would truly feel she _needed_ to drink. Was that naïve of her? She supposed they were about to find out.

Devola still felt reluctant. Just a few minutes ago she had been so sure that quitting was the right thing to do, but now she wondered whether that was true or not. On top of that, she couldn’t entirely tell if the concerns she had that led her to think that maybe it was better just to continue at this point were genuine, or just excuses she was making because she was afraid. She looked into Popola’s eyes. “Do you want me to stop drinking?”

The question caught her off guard, and she thought about it seriously before answering. “I want you to be happy. I know that alcohol makes you feel happy for a little while, but I don’t know if it really does make you happier.” Yet, she didn’t drink, and could she say she was happier than Devola? Weighed down by her feelings with little escape? “Maybe… the answer is finding something else that makes you happy. That makes us happy. We need something to do anyway, don’t we? Now that there aren’t as many errands to run?”

That was true. And if they found something together, that made them both happy… then that would benefit Popola too. “…Okay. I’ll try it. I’ll talk to Anemone.”

“I know you can do it.” Popola gave her hands a reassuring squeeze.

When Devola stood and began rounding up the bottles of alcohol, Popola joined her automatically. They were so used to doing everything as a pair that it just went without saying that they would go together.

When they approached her, Anemone tried to offer a smile. It was rare for them to be the ones to approach her, and she had seen them having what appeared to be a personal and emotional conversation, though they had been out of earshot. “What do you need?”

Devola held the bottles out, handing them to Anemone without explaining first, as though she just wanted to get the temptation away from her.

Surprised and puzzled, Anemone decided to accept them, taking the bottles from both twins into her own arms and setting them down on the ground behind the table. Part of her was tempted to make a joke, but another part of her saw through Devola’s “party girl” façade, and thus knew better.

“I… want to stop,” Devola said, looking down at the ground. “But just in case.”

Popola smiled sadly. “We trust you to keep these safe for us for a while.”

“…If you want to stop, why not just get rid of them?” Anemone tried to understand, but she didn’t really have much basis for comparison. Surely getting rid of them entirely would be better, since it would remove the temptation?

Devola’s cheeks burned, and she looked to Popola in a silent request.

Understanding what Devola was asking, Popola answered for her. “Devola needs time to trust herself.”

To Devola’s surprise, Anemone seemed to understand what Popola meant by that. She wasn’t entirely sure if that was better or worse than if Anemone had been confused. Having her understand made her feel seen through and vulnerable, but at the same time, at least it did save her from having to explain anything more about it.

“Got it. I’ll hide these somewhere.” It seemed obvious to her that leaving them in plain sight would only tempt Devola. Seeing the shame that Devola seemed to be feeling, she shifted her weight slightly, internally debating about whether to speak about her own experiences at all. They felt personal and vulnerable, and she feared that disclosing her own struggles would discredit her as a leader. Yet, Devola was surely feeling vulnerable too, and had just shared something personal. Even if she didn’t share anything in detail, she wanted to give her a feeling of hope. “Devola. I know what it’s like, to feel so much that you don’t even know how to go on. I… know that what we’ve experienced is different. But if you ever want, I’m happy to help in any way I can.”

Devola’s hands tensed into fists, but she kept her anger under control. As hot-tempered as she was prone to be, she had learned her lesson there already. She wanted to think that they could trust Anemone not to kick them out even if she did snap at her, but a bigger part of her didn’t dare find out. It was just… Anemone didn’t understand what they had been through. She couldn’t. Claiming to ‘know what it’s like’ didn’t sit well with Devola, and she couldn’t help but to wonder if Anemone looked down on her. If there was an undertone to her words of, ‘ _I managed to cope without getting drunk all the time. Why couldn’t you?_ ’

Nothing like that was intended at all, though. In fact, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Anemone understood that these two had faced thousands of years of hardship, and she doubted her ability to provide any meaningful support whatsoever. It only didn’t stop her from making the offer because she felt she should try anyway.

Seeing Devola’s temper flare, Popola stepped in. “Thank you, Anemone. We’ll keep that in mind.”

Devola sensed that Popola was trying to end the conversation, and honestly, she was a little relieved.

“Of course. Take care,” Anemone replied.

Popola started to return to their usual spot, and Devola followed automatically. Once they were seated, Devola mumbled,

“So. Something that makes us happy. Any ideas?” The purpose they had been built for was now entirely lost. The new purpose they had found of atonement was no longer necessary. They both liked helping out as medics, but nowadays there was next to no need for that. Even the errands that they used to run were infrequently needed now, and when things like that did come up, usually 2B and A2 handled them.

Popola thought about it. “I’d like to become better friends with the people who are willing to talk to us. I love your company, but it would be nice to have more people in our lives again, wouldn’t it?”

“That’s true. That’s probably the one thing I miss about back then… Oh, and the songs that they would make up so easily. Remember how the kids started doing that?”

The memories came back to her easily. When the Replicants had begun creating their own art, rather than just copying that of the humans, it had been one of the confirmations that their worst fears about what they were seeing were indeed coming true. The memories themselves were painful, but the songs themselves had been so… uniquely human, even when it wasn’t humans’ doing. “I do.”

“We might still not be able to make our own, but… do you think the other androids have ever heard music before? Maybe we could share it with them.” Devola knew that some might view that as tasteless or insensitive, for androids – let alone _Devola and Popola models_ – to try to copy human culture. But maybe, for the ones who actually didn’t look down on them, that could be fun?

“I like that idea! Maybe one of us can play an instrument and the other can sing?”

They spent the rest of the day brainstorming ideas about the different combinations they could try out and how various instruments could be made with the current materials that could be found. That night, for the first time in a very long while, they went to sleep with a glimmer of hope in their hearts.


End file.
